relationallychallenged

Listening for Connection

Posted on January 30, 2016 by James Gorton

It was a lazy day for me as my first appointment was at 10. I was lying in bed beginning to open my eyes around 7. Nadine had been up for a couple of hours and was putting the finishing touches on her beautiful eyes. She noticed that I was beginning to stir so she came into the bedroom and said, “Good morning honey.” I responded in kind and then she mentioned a conversation she had had with a new employee at her shop. I asked her about it thinking it would only be a short conversation.

She began to open up regarding her conversation. I got a blow by blow description of the encounter. The more she talked, the more details of the interaction popped into her mind and I found myself thinking that I was a fly on the wall reliving the exact discussion with Nadine and this employee. There were two thoughts that came to my mind as I was listening to the replay. The first thought came as I was thinking about Nadine’s need to get to work. The second thought came later as my mind started focusing on what my schedule would mean for me. Within about 5 seconds of each thought, I brought my mind back to the central issue at hand–listening to Nadine and her story.

It was during this 20+ minute encounter that emotions were shared by Nadine as she relived the conversation. There were times of pain as well as times of real joy that I got to see as Nadine replayed back to me an important part of her last day. At that period of time, there was no more important thing that I could have been doing than to listen to Nadine. I was hearing the deepest part of her heart. Her soul was opening up so I could see deep down who she really was. I was witnessing a person who was barring her true self to me. True connection. True intimacy.

What would have happened if I had gone with my fleeting thoughts and verbalized them to her? The conversation would have closed off and no connection taken place. I wonder how many times in our conversations with others that we never see someone opening up to us because we allow our thoughts to drive our actions and ultimately never connect with the people that are closest to us. It takes discipline to take the interrupter thoughts and push them out of our mind so that true connection and intimacy can occur. I have too many times allowed the interrupters in my mind to dictate the conversations. This experience has put within my mind a determination to stop the interrupter thoughts so that I can be the best listener possible for any and all that cross my path.

On this journey, God wants us to use the physical tools (ears, eyes, nose, touch, etc.) He has gifted us with and use them to connect with Him as well as with others. It makes the journey today much more enjoyable and fulfilling if we will only use what we have been given.

Posted in God Relationship, Parental Relationship, Personal mastery, Relationships in General, Spousal Relationship, Uncategorized | Tagged Blocking out interruptions, Connection, Intimacy, Listening | 1 Comment

Checking In

Posted on January 27, 2016 by James Gorton

I got a call from my Mom a couple of days ago. Let me digress. It doesn’t seem unusual to get a call from your mom does it? It seems natural. But not in this case. I get a call from my mom maybe every three months. That’s because I usually call my mom 4-5 times per week and so she doesn’t have to give me a call. She knows I’m going to call so she waits for the ring on her phone. She has come to expect that her son will give her a call every day or so and so she should expect that. I love to call my mom and find out whats going on in her life.

But I got a call from her and it went like this. “Jim (with a pause), Jim (and another pause), are you all right?” I responded, “Yes Mom, I’m all right, I’m fine.” To that response she responded, “I haven’t heard from you in a couple of days and began to wonder if you were all right.” Our conversation went on from there as we talked about her getting low in her weekly bridge game where her high card for the day in playing several hands was a Jack (for those of you who don’t play bridge, those hands are terrible). We talked about the Denver Broncos and how they played such a great game beating the New England Patriots. She mentioned watching the Arizona Cardinals and what an awful game they played and asked me what was wrong to which I replied, “I don’t know mom. I quit watching it before half time.” We had a wonderful conversation before we hung up and she was satisfied with the reconnection she had missed in the previous days.

As I began to ponder the conversation with my mom, it struck me that at times when I don’t check in with the Lord, I wonder what He must be thinking as to my not calling Him up. God wants to have the same daily, regular, consistent interaction with us that my mom began missing from my calling her. Have you ever wondered what God does when we aren’t choosing to get in touch with us. For my mom, she called on the phone. But what does God do when we are preoccupied with life and aren’t choosing to connect with Him?

In Amos 4, it is the prophet Amos telling a story of God trying to connect with the Israelite nation. He is trying to get their attention so that they will turn back to him. I’ll let you read the passage for yourself, but there are five different obstacles that he uses to get their attention. He first gave them “cleanness of teeth and lack of bread” to get their attention (this represented the necessities of life). Secondly he “withheld rain from them when there were three months until harvest.” (this represented the resources needed to make a living). He brought about “scorching wind and mildew” which represented extreme uncomfortable circumstances to the Israelite nation. He sent a plague that killed many of their men. He used sickness and even death to get their attention. He lastly used slavery by overthrowing them to get their attention. After every obstacle that He used to get their attention, the phrase follows, “Yet you have not returned to me” declares the Lord”.

God used and uses various means to get our attention today, but do we respond the same way that the Israelites did? The problems that come our way, or lack of resources we find ourselves with, or even sickness that comes our way may be God’s way of trying to get our attention to have connection with Him.

On this journey, it is vitally important that we become sensitized with God’s tapping us on our shoulder. It’s His way of wanting fellowship with us to give us His direction for our lives and showing us His love.

Posted in God Relationship, Parental Relationship | Tagged Connection, Connection with Loved Ones, God's nudging | Leave a comment

Rewinding The Film

Posted on January 26, 2016 by James Gorton

Over the weekend Nadine and I decided we wanted to go to the movies. As we looked at the choices, we decided on The Big Short and wanted to go to the new movie theaters that had lounge chairs to check them out. Like most movies we figured out the time that we could be there and still get good seats (45 minutes before the movie started).

On our way to the movies we encountered a little traffic that added 3-5 minutes to the trip, but were confident that we would be there in plenty of time. The parking garage was full of cars that were leaving and those that were coming to the movies which added about 10 minutes to the adventure. We got in line to purchase our tickets which took 3-5 minutes and were ready in plenty of time with 25-30 minutes to spare. To our dismay, The Big Short was sold out. Spotlight sold out. 13 Hours sold out. All of the movies that we were interested in watching were sold out. No seats. Zero. The Big Short had 4 seats available for the show that started 3 hours later. As we debated about taking them, 2 were taken off the computer, so we made a hasty decision and said we’d take the last two.

Now we had to kill 3 hours before the next showing. For many the place would have been an ideal place to kill 3 hours. Scottsdale Fashion Square. Hundreds of stores. Every store had a 50%-75% sale. The problem surfaced in the fact that Nadine and I had no desire to shop. I became frustrated by the experience we had just encountered and Nadine felt bad and attacked my me. It wasn’t my intention to take out my frustration on her. It was neither one of our faults regarding the situation. We didn’t know the best way to buy tickets for this theater and had an eye opening learning experience.

Now this could have been a 3 hour horrible experience for the two of us. The friction between the two of us could have intensified. Nadine could have shot back at me and caused bigger issues to ensue. But she didn’t. She verbalized her feeling of being hurt by my expressing my frustration and I quickly apologized to her. I told her that I was wrong for getting upset at the situation and directing my frustration at her. I asked for her forgiveness and she gave it.

For the next 2 1/2 hours we strolled the halls of the mall, hand in hand and heart to heart. We were connected emotionally even though we were both tired when the movie screen lit up. Re-writing the film (taking life as it comes and changing destructive aspects of that life to reconnect with those you love) in relationships is an important tool for not allowing WWIII to break out. It takes only a small bit of time to admit wrongdoing and rewrite a film so that connection and intimacy in your relationship occurs.

On this journey make it your commitment to rewrite your film that is going in the wrong direction.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Rewinding the Film

Posted on January 26, 2016 by James Gorton

Over the weekend Nadine and I decided we wanted to go to the movies. As we looked at the choices, we decided on The Big Short and wanted to go to the new movie theaters that had lounge chairs to check them out. Like most movies we figured out the time that we could be there and still get good seats (45 minutes before the movie started).

On our way to the movies we encountered a little traffic that added 3-5 minutes to the trip, but were confident that we would be there in plenty of time. The parking garage was full of cars that were leaving and those that were coming to the movies which added about 10 minutes to the adventure. We got in line to purchase our tickets which took 3-5 minutes and were ready in plenty of time with 25-30 minutes to spare. To our dismay, The Big Short was sold out. Spotlight sold out. 13 Hours sold out. All of the movies that we were interested in watching were sold out. No seats. Zero. The Big Short had 4 seats available for the show that started 3 hours later. As we debated about taking them, 2 were taken off the computer, so we made a hasty decision and said we’d take the last two.

On this journey make it your commitment to rewrite your film that is going in the wrong direction.

Posted in Relationships in General, Spousal Relationship | Tagged Apology, Forgiveness, Intimacy, Reconnection | Leave a comment

Battle of Wills

Posted on January 22, 2016 by James Gorton

Last night was a sight to behold. Two wills battling it out to see who would win. No, it wasn’t on Television. No, it wasn’t a fight between Nadine and myself. No, it wasn’t an argument with one of my children. No, it wasn’t a counseling appointment with a couple I was counseling.

It happened after we drove home and decided to have tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches (both were very delicious I might add). This battle of wills happened after supper and after we both took off our work clothes and settled in for a night of watching our favorite show, The Blacklist.

Monty, our Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, became hungry and showed his need to Nadine for food. She obliged by going into the laundry room where his food and water dish are set up. She prepared his food with bits of treats, his regular dog food, and water to soften the crunchy dog food he normally gets. She put it down and left the laundry room to come into the family room and sit on the couch. He quickly gobbled up the dog treats, pushing his regular dog food to the side and leaving the less tasty food for the wonderful dog treats.

As we were sitting on the couch, we began to hear a cry in the laundry room and looked to see him sitting about 4 feet from the uneaten food crying for more dog treats.

Nadine didn’t respond, and the cries got louder as well as grunts. She finally went in and said, “Eat your food!. Eat your Food!. Monty just sat there, looked at her, backed away from the dish, and didn’t make a move to eat his food. Nadine got more determined and pointed to his food and said, “Eat your food!!! Eat your food!!! He looked at her as if to say, “You can lead me to my food, but you can’t make me eat it.”

She left the room and heard the cries and grunts begin to increase with barks mixed in (in the laundry room). After 10 minutes, she decided to go back in the room with none of the left over food being eaten and said, “Monty, eat your food!!!!! Monty, eat your food!!!!!” Monty just looked at her and she looked at him and neither budged from their spots. No food was eaten. The strong will standoff ended in a draw. This morning, we went into the laundry room and the uneaten food was still there. Strong wills to say the least.

It reminds me sometimes of my relationship with God. He is giving me what I need on a daily basis and I sometimes push it off to the side, wanting something more that I think will fulfill my needs. A job. A car. A new TV for Super Bowl. A new relationship. Different living situation. More salary. Healthier me. Different food. How many times are we dissatisfied with the things we have and want something different like Monty. The Master has given us our needs and yet we reject the needs by focusing on our wants. There is a biblical truth in Exodus where God brought the nation of Israel out of Egypt. He provided for their needs and yet they balked at them and wanted something more.

On this journey thru life, there will always be the tendency to want something more, rather than thanking God for what He has given us. Today is a great day to develop the skills of being thankful for what you have.

Posted in God Relationship, Personal mastery | Tagged Battle of wills, Being Thankful, Strong wills | 1 Comment

Living In The Now

Posted on January 21, 2016 by James Gorton

I got a call from my son yesterday who asked me if I wanted to come watch Brayden, my grandson, practice lacrosse. First of all it was a surprise that he was playing lacrosse. Secondly, I have watched Carter for years practice and play lacrosse, and now it was a second generation taking up the sport. There wasn’t a question as to taking time off to go and see my grandson.

The practice was held at Laguna Elementary school where Carter, my youngest, started his school experience and where Victoria, my middle child, went as well. Now my oldest grandson was going to Laguna and taking up the sport of lacrosse. We got there and 5 boys had signed up for the practice. No parents nor grandparents were in attendance except for Victoria, Brayden’s mother, Carter, and myself.

I sat on the picnic bench and watched as Brayden began to learn how to scoop through the ball and get it into the lacrosse basket. I watched him put the ball out in front of him and run with the stick seeking to secure the ball in his basket as he ran. The coach had a game with 10 balls in the middle of the field while the boys stood by their respective cones some distance away. The object was to run and scoop up as many balls as they could and take them to their respective cone as possible. Brayden consistently got 2-3 balls each time.

I had no thoughts of anything else other than watching my Grandson. No clients to think about. No to do list. No groceries to buy. No supper to cook. No one to call. Nothing to clean up. No bills to pay. My mind was totally engrossed in watching my grandson take up a lacrosse stick for the first time and begin to master the skills of lacrosse. I was living in the now of that experience. Time for me stood still during that hour long practice. There was nothing more pressing than spending time with my daughter, her sons and my son.

Mind you, I don’t always live this way. My mind can be preoccupied with all the pressures of life and can drown out what is right now. It takes real discipline to block out the noises of life and be in the moment of what ever you are focused on. Yesterday from 3:30 to 4:30 it was Brayden. I would like to be able to live my life in the moments of life. Living each moment as if it were the last one that I had.

Samuel in the Old Testament had this perspective when he wrote II Samuel 14:14 and said, “For we shall surely die and are like water that is spilled on the ground which cannot be gathered up again. . .” As I am writing this Jlog (Jim’s log or blog), the time I have invested in writing these words down has evaporated and I can never reclaim this time. This time is gone forever. Samuel was encouraging the readers to make the most of the time you have here on this earth. Living in the now. Focusing on the important things of life. Seizing the day, hour, minute.

This journey we are on has so many distractions that can take our eyes away from the important things of life. Make it a habit to live in the now and not miss out on the first scoop of life (lacrosse scoop that is).

Posted in Parental Relationship, Personal mastery, Relationships in General, Spousal Relationship | Tagged priorities, Seizing the Day; Living in the Now, Taking away the distractions | Leave a comment

38 Years Later

Posted on January 20, 2016 by James Gorton

I had a chance encounter yesterday that was an amazing experience. Let me give you a backdrop.

In 1974 I was in my second year of marriage to my late wife Cynthia. We were working full time for a Christian organization that worked on college campuses throughout the country. We were asked to head-up the ministry on the University of South Florida campus in Tampa, FL. We found a house about 10 minutes from the campus and began to connect with college students interested in leading a ministry on their campus.

It was a tough campus to develop something of this nature because it was called a commuter campus where students lived off campus and drove to school daily to take classes and then back usually to their homes with their parents. It was difficult to connect with them during the day because they were in class, and at night only about 10% of the college population lived on campus. No matter what the circumstance, we began to grow and had 70+ interested in building a spiritual presence on their campus.

One such person named Tom happened to be interested in spiritual things and I began to work with him. In the fall of 1974, Tom came to the campus as a freshman from Wisconsin. He was majoring in journalism and was interested in writing. We spent much time over the next couple of years together when he expressed an interest in becoming editor of the school newspaper. He was in fact chosen to do so and with school as well as heading up the school newspaper, be began to lose touch with one another.

In the spring of 1978 my family moved to Rowley Massachusetts to begin a new journey of pursuing a masters degree in marriage and family ministries. That journey would take me into full time work in a local church (Grace Chapel) there in Lexington, MA. After living in Massachusetts for 7 years, a new path emerged as the journey to Scottsdale, AZ came into focus. Graduations, births and death have been a part of the experiences over the last 31 years.

Yesterday seemed like most other days in Arizona. I have periodically helped my wife Nadine, who has a business of auto repair, shuttle customers who leave their car for repair. As I was writing up a car to be serviced, I noticed a man looking at me as I went out to get the license number and mileage on a Ford Expedition that needed an oil change and tire rotation. As I came back to the front door, the man stopped me and asked the question, “Are you Jim Gorton?” I responded in the affirmative and to my response, he said he was Tom M. 38 years later. 38 years of silence. 38 years of experiences. 38 years of life. 10 children and 7 grandchildren later between us. Tom and I were back in contact with one another.

He and his wife live in Chicago, but also have a home in Scottsdale. He had become dissatisfied with the car repair place he was taking his car to so he had heard of Nadine’s Airpark Auto Service and came over to check it out. At the exact time I was there. Divine connection. God’s intersecting of two lives. It was a wonderful time of reminiscing about the journeys we have both been on. We exchanged phone numbers for future connection and said our goodbyes.

You never know where the interactions you have with people today will lead in the future. I’ve been given the opportunity to continue a relationship with a friend that seemingly ended 38 years ago.

Posted in Relationships in General | Tagged Friendship, Legacy, Long lost friends | Leave a comment

Selling Out

Posted on January 13, 2016 by James Gorton

What is worth selling everything you have in this world? Is it a car? A house? A relationship? Possessions? Fame? Invention? What is it for you? What is there in your world that you would be willing to sell everything to get that thing for you? I am asking this question because I met a person yesterday shuttling for my wife’s business that is doing that very thing.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I volunteer to shuttle customers to and/or from home or work as they drop off their vehicles to be repaired. In the mornings when I shuttle, people are usually dropping off their cars or trucks to get them mechanically fixed and I take them to their work or back home.

Yesterday I shuttled Ron back home and asked him what he did. The conversation that ensued was very enlightening. Ron is an engineer and began in his early days working on a wireless radio that would go into the early manned rockets in space. He is one of those engineers that never makes things, but creates things in their heads and passes on the concept to a hardware engineer that takes the concept and produces the product.

A couple of years ago Ron and his partner began working on a product that would save energy in cell phones. In the process of working on the concept, Ron ran out of money and his partner died. He went broke. It’s not that he spent his money on superficial things. He sold everything he had to produce this technology of saving energy in charging phones on a daily basis (by a factor of 2 if that makes sense to you). In laymen terms as he put it for me is like saving what 50 Niagara Falls electrical plants produce daily. He needed engineers to take his concept to reality and he had no money. He couldn’t hire needed engineers because he was broke. He sold his life savings for this project.

Being an idea person, he went to an engineering firm in the valley who had plenty of hardware engineers and proposed a plan where they could use his concept in selling to the government and in return they would provide engineers to take his concept to market. They agreed and they recently got a $10,000,000 contract from the government for this technology. He doesn’t mind because he wants to take this technology to the consumers of cell phones and he needed engineers to build his concept which they are doing as we speak.

So what in this world would you be willing to sell everything you have to get. Jesus speaks to this question when being confronted by a rich man who wanted to follow Him. “A man came to Jesus and asked, ‘Teacher, what good thing must I do to have eternal life?’ Jesus answered, “Why do you ask me about what is good? Only God is good. But if you want to have eternal life, obey the law’s commands.” The man asked, “Which ones?” Jesus answered, “‘You must not murder anyone, you must not commit adultery, you must not steal, you must not tell lies about others, you must respect your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor the same as you love yourself.’” The young man said, “I have obeyed all these commands. What else do I need?” Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, then go and sell all that you own. Give the money to the poor, and you will have riches in heaven. Then come and follow me!” But when the young man heard Jesus tell him to give away his money, he was sad. He didn’t want to do this, because he was very rich. So he left. Matthew 19:16-22

Jesus was asking him to sell everything that he had become attached with in this life to gain life in the future. What are you willing to go broke for? What am I willing to sell everything for? Ron came into my life yesterday and gave me pause to think about my life and what is important in my life. On this journey, God brings people and circumstances to help us pause to make sure we are on the right road. Take a pause on your journey to make sure you are investing in the right things.

Posted in God Relationship, Personal mastery | Tagged Going broke, Passion, Selling out | Leave a comment

Fisherman’s Friend

Posted on January 12, 2016 by James Gorton

It’s been a while since I caught a cold or a cough from one of my family members or a friend, but a couple of weeks ago it caught up to me. I didn’t feel bad, nor had a fever, but just a cold that went from my throat to my chest. Then the tickling came where you feel nothing, but the nagging cough hangs around when you want to say something. You begin the words of a sentence and the cough rears it’s ugly head and interrupts whatever you are trying to say. You find yourself coughing incessantly to try to get the tickle out but it lingers and lingers for days and sometimes weeks.

I had had enough and decided to go to Costco to get the biggest bag of throat lozenges I could find. I picked up one of the best known brands that they sold and decided to talk to the pharmacist to see what he (it was a he that came to the window) would advise. To my amazement he said, “I wouldn’t buy any of the brands that we sell. Wait a minute and I’ll tell you what to buy.” He left and came back in about a minute with a little box, (his own box) that said, Fisherman’s Friend. “These are the best on the market with the greatest strength for suppressing a cough but they don’t taste very good. You can get them at Walgreens or Walmart.” I had never heard of such a lozenge ever. None of my friends had heard of them. My wife who is an expert in taking care of her family when sick had never heard of the lozenge. But because of the advice of the expert, I took off to get a throat lozenge I had never heard of.

I found the cheap $2.38 box of 39 lozenges in the white non box and put one in my mouth. He was right. They tasted like dirty licorice if there’s such a taste. But did they work. Not only did they work when I had them in my mouth, but the after taste (the dirty licorice kept going and going) suppressed my cough long after the lozenge had disappeared.

There are so many experts in our world that can give us insights and different perspectives of life if only we ask the right questions. Pastors. Auto Technicians. Counselors. Computer geeks. Moms. Dads. Children. Realtors. Doctors. Dentists. Most everyone whom we come in contact with have expertise of some sort if we are willing to slow down and ask some questions. It means that we see our limitations. Our limited knowledge.

I am thankful (and might I add my wife during our night sleeps) to have asked the right questions. On this journey, don’t be hesitant to ask. Answers to our questions will add wisdom to our existence.

Posted in Personal mastery, Relationships in General | Tagged Asking questions, Cough drops, Experts | Leave a comment

Hallmark Birthday

Posted on January 10, 2016 by James Gorton

This past week there was a hallmark birthday that was celebrated, but few in the world recognized the occasion. This person at the age of 18 got on a train from one state and rode to another state to attend college that had never been visited. She didn’t know anybody nor had anywhere to live, but she came to a new world and began learning how to be a teacher. She was the first to graduate from college in her family and stepped into her new journey of teaching school in a small town of 200 in eastern Colorado. She had no place to live and took up a room in a small hotel to start this new journey.

She was a very beautiful woman and attracted single men in the town that wanted to date her. One man took her fancy because he was a good dancer, had a new car and a good job. They got married and off he went to World War II for 4 years. She left the town to teach out-of-state until her husband came back from the war. She moved back and she and her husband started a family.

Teaching was her passion and she continued to teach while raising two children. Her daughter and her son gained much from her desire to infuse knowledge in the lives of people she came in contact with. Each week she would have new words to expand her families intellect and communication skills. Daily she was correcting unhealthy speech as she was an English teacher.

One of the schools that she taught at saw her skills of management and asked her to become their superintendent which was temporary that lasted 8 years. Recently she was given a frontier award in Colorado as the first female superintendent ever in the educational school system. She touched thousands of lives over the years before she retired and took up writing short stories in magazines, newspapers, and Sunday School weekly children papers.

Her husband of 49 years died in 1990, but she didn’t stop her influence in investing in the lives of people she interacted with. She held a bible study group in her home for years as 6-8 women would come to her home weekly to study what it means to be a woman of God.

She did have a huge impact in the lives of people she came in contact with, but the person who was influenced the most was – – – Me. She’s my mom. No she was never a CEO. No president. No prominent author. No inventor. But she has had the largest impact in my life of any person on this earth. I am the most blessed person on this earth for having known such a lady. My mom. Happy birthday mom. I adore you and am so proud to be your son.

My journey has been so enriched by knowing and being influenced by my mom.

Posted in Parental Relationship | Tagged Influential people, Mom, Mom's Birthday | 1 Comment